6/14/23
Yesterday was excruciating. For those of you who know depression, you feel it in your bones, you feel it in your muscles, it churns your insides. It was all I could do to peel myself off my couch to get dressed and go to work. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel anything. I drove to work as if on a conveyor belt, looking around at the same thing I see every day, but it all looked grey to me. I felt grey inside. I just wanted to melt into the concrete. Join the rest of the world being walked on daily.
I worked through the day, didn’t talk much. I almost told my coworker “let’s not go for a walk after work” but, I changed my mind. I am so glad I kept my word. Something I am relearning. My coworker is a breath of fresh air. They have also been through a lot of trauma this side of the earth. Our talks are easy and usually it’s either one of us venting about our crazy lives. I think they are pretty amazing, and they probably don’t even know it. Love you girl!
Today I woke up and the color was turned back on. I could smile again, not have to fake it. I don’t know why sadness has such a grip on me. I know if I accept things as they are I shouldn’t be struggling… or maybe this is another multi-layered level of grief?
I feel like depression sometimes buries us into the ground. A good friend sent me a meme today that said “You think you’ve been buried, but actually you’ve been planted.” Is that not beautiful? Can’t we keep our rose-colored-glasses on for a while?
My black and white glasses tell me there’s no end in sight to my suffering. Yet I have this light inside me that keeps burning brighter and brighter each day. Some days are really rough, as I mentioned above, and some days are really great. A fellow writer and friend told me recently, “Life is a balance of the chaos, the beautiful, the ugly, the good, the bad, we need them all, to teach us so we can keep growing and living.” (that was NOT verbatim, I have undiagnosed ADHD, and I only retain so much, which I also have to add, since I left this toxic marriage, I have slowly made my way out of a dense fog, my memory was even worse). I so needed to hear that coming from a place where I feel so scarred by my trauma. Like I can’t get it off of me.
My friend’s comment was in my opinion a great perspective. I just can’t seem to “choose” to stop suffering. Is it just that easy? I will wake up look in the mirror and tell myself “I’m done suffering. I can be happy now.” I guess I am STUCK, stuck in the in between. Between a black and white spectrum, and a color lined perspective, lies the balance. Any suggestions out there?