Today I was texting someone else who is currently going through a similar but not the same situation as mine. Except in her situation she is one of the people on the outside of the narcissist’s circle. I’m writing this for her, so maybe she can understand what her loved one is facing. I also need to point out, it is equally as painful for the people alienated. The narcissist keeps a tight circle of friends and family, so they can manipulate to get what they want at all times. In my situation, I stopped all relationships with my friends and my own family! My mom and dad missed out on being grandparents, something that troubles me greatly. I wasn’t allowed to have friends (in fact, I had to break off all my friendships, which was hard and psychologically damaging because the reason I had to was that they were all sinners and baggage, my sinful damaged past), be on any form of social media, go on dates with my spouse, etc etc. We had to do as the leader of the family told us. Our home was filled with fear. Always walking on eggshells. It pains me my children are still there going through it themselves.

I think I need to explain how an intelligent, loving, exuberant, individual could choose to marry such a person and/or stay in the marriage. I have friends who have doctorate and masters degrees who are in this situation. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, the narcissist will ground you down under their thumb until you have zero self-worth and zero self-esteem. I was severely co-dependent because of my family of origin. My own father was an alcoholic until I graduated from high school. So guess what I did as a young woman trying to keep the peace in my chaotic family even though in that moment I thought it was normal? I tried to be the perfect, straight A high school student, and 4.0 college graduate. That’s the mask I wore to hide the pain of watching my mom and dad fight, seeing my mom in so much pain, and watching my dad drink his life away. I learned to please people to make life easier. There are many great books out there about co-dependency. Check them out, even if you think, there’s no way I am co-dependent! My sister said the same thing and then she read a book about it and afterwards told me “I am extremely co-dependent.”

So as I was saying, on the outside of this family unit everything looks normal. Some are even very wealthy, keep opulent homes, always keep up with the Jones’ if you know what I mean. They look and act so good on the outside but it’s a front, a total veneer or mask. The manipulation can be physical, sexual, financial, religion based, etc., but the worst of all is psychological abuse. It is incredibly damaging. They rewrite the story of our lives. They take our kindness, our willingness to please, and trample it with putdowns, criticisms, nitpicking, bullying, threatening, gaslighting, as well as withholding love! My ex ignored me for a week straight because they didn’t get what they wanted. Do you think my ex ever defended me against the verbal attacks and character assassinations that happened to me in public? Not at all, it was the complete opposite, it was totally ignored. A narcissist is very good at manipulating someone’s good nature to bend to their will. Their are many unspoken currents that run through the family unit. We do not know how to explain it, it is felt. We knew that if we went to see our parents, there would be hell to pay. So we live in fear, in survivor mode, because even WE cannot believe the life that we dreamt of having, has turned into a living nightmare. So, we, the victims, put on our own masks to keep going, for our children primarily.

Lies, lies, and more lies. I was told I was old, and in the later part of my mature years. I was 40! Please let me reiterate, this is what I was told daily. I was told my skin was bad, my hair plain, my lips too small, that I was an apple shaped person and would end up pretty heavy as I got older and older. Only to find out later, I believed the lies too! I believed I was the most unattractive human. That my only worth was my family and my children I was rearing. I did everything, cooked, cleaned house, did everyone’s laundry, weeded the yard, mowed the yard, and I worked a full time job! If I sat down for one minute, I was told something. If I went to the bathroom, I was knocked on at the door, you need to finish this or that. I felt like Cinderella. But I had no ugly step-sisters.

A narcissist keeps you isolated, manipulated to the point of desperation for approval and love, also referred to as Stockholm Syndrome. Simply put, Stockholm Syndrome is where a person is a victim of psychological abuse, who identifies with and empathizes with their captor or abuser and their wants and needs, to the detriment of their own wants and needs. The victim essentially becomes nobody. Has no opinion, no voice, and has completely lost themselves, because they are trying everything they know to keep the narcissist happy.

In my situation, I didn’t even know I was doing this. I defended my ex and their way of life and everything I sacrificed. I’m so very sorry this is what your loved one is going through, and I hope it helps you understand a tiny bit of what it is like for them. It is a living hell. I can also tell you, if you push too hard they will pull away and believe their narcissist spouse. A good friend of mine told me they had a friend who just listened to them at work, a coworker who just always seemed like they cared. This co-worker knew the situation she was in at home, but also knew if she said anything about leaving, it would put them on the defense. Eventually, my friend did leave. I will tell you about her in another post. This friend of hers waited patiently in the wings. It is important to point this out, because I defended my family like it was the holy grail. The victim has to come to their own realization that they need to leave, usually brought on by immense psychological pain and suffering.

My heart goes out to you, your loved one and everyone else going through this kind of insidious abuse and alienation from their own family. Please don’t give up.

Today I dried my tears, and chose to love again. I chose to master a fear I wanted to overcome. It was liberating. I hung out with two really great friends and refilled my cup. Friends are like our compasses, they always keep us on track. They help us see what we cannot.

Small steps on this road to recovery from narcissist abuse. Please comment or if you have a story or advice to share.

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